


How to Ruin a Groupchat Without Really Trying

by tennantive



Series: and some by virtue fall (Sin Squad 'verse) [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-05-05 23:06:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5393627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tennantive/pseuds/tennantive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A day in the life of the Hamilsquad, via iMessage. Because there's not enough texting/messaging fics out there already...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Period

**Author's Note:**

> This'll be a multichapter fic, taking place over the course of four periods, a lunch, and an assembly. Alex/John is established. I'm not sure where this is going tbh

## GC: Squaaaaad

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
you all are royally fucked  
hrh mr frederick passed out a pop quiz  
no survivors

 **My Laurens <3:**  
oh fuck oh no  
how bad is it

 **Wifey Eliza:**  
so bad

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
think of the baddest possible scenario  
add another suitcase full of bad

 **A.Ham:**  
please  
you realize he presets the answers  
ten questions, always the same answer pattern  
a d d c a b b a d c

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
A RE YOU FUKCING KID DING ME  
YOU KNEW AND YOIU NEVER DSAID????

 **A.Ham:**  
you never asked

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
ALEX WTF

 **Baguette Fucker:**  
mdrrrr dick move mon ami 

**Wifey Eliza:**  
alex how long have you known that

 **A.Ham:**  
since freshman year  
did you guys seriously not notice?

 **My Laurens <3:**  
babe, no one cares enough to remember all that

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
I'M SO FUCKING DONE RN I CALL FOR BANISHMENT

 **Go The Distance:**  
dude i failed his last pop quiz  
definitely something you needed to share  
motion seconded, time for a vote

 **A.Ham:**  
OH COME ON

 **Baguette Fucker:**  
d’accord. its a yes from me  
sharing is caring, alex

 **Wifey Eliza:**  
angie is glaring at me and also i probably did terribly  
so i vote for banishment

 **My Laurens <3:**  
abstain

 **Baguette Fucker:**  
funny how you always abstain when it comes to him

 **A.Ham:**  
john rlly im doomed at this point

 **My Laurens <3:**  
yeah okay but I don't even have frederick so

 **Go The Distance:**  
whatever doesnt matter  
the motion carries, any last words hamilton?

 **A.Ham:**  
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF  
THE GROUPCHAT

....................../´¯/) …..  
....................,/¯../ …...  
.................../..../ …….  
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸ ..  
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\  
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')  
.........\\.................'...../  
..........''...\\.......... _.·´ …..  
............\\..............( ….  
..............\\.............\\....

_Go The Distance removed A.Ham from the chat._

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

## iMessage: My Laurens <3

 **My Laurens <3:**  
they’re trying to decide how long to ban you.  
mulligan’s trying for a week  
me and eliza are pitching before the end of the period

 **A.Ham:**  
all bets are off if i get back before lunch

 **My Laurens <3:**  
just a typical tuesday for you  
when you get back in want to retaliate  
by being disgustingly cute?

 **A.Ham:**  
how dare you  
im already cute

 **My Laurens <3:**  
no complaints here

 **A.Ham:**  
:-)  
got nothing on you though

 **My Laurens <3:**  
you’re insatiable 

**A.Ham:**  
looooove youuuuu  <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Class Schedule:  
> Alex: (1) Study Hall, (2) Biology/Franklin, (3) APUSH/Washington, (4) Newspaper ECB/Franklin  
> John: (1) Anatomy/Beatty, (2) Drawing III/Trumbull, (3) APUSH/Washington, (4) Study Hall  
> Angelica*: (1) AP English/Frederick, (2) French IV/Auguste-Bourbon, (3) Study Hall, (4) AP Euro/Romanov  
> Eliza: (1) AP English/Frederick, (2) Finite/Cannon, (3) APUSH/Washington, (4) Newspaper ECB/Franklin  
> Mulligan*: (1) Prob & Stats/Cannon, (2) Fashion & Textiles IS, (3) APUSH/Washington, (4) Senior English/Frederick  
> Lafayette*: (1) Theatre/Voltaire, (2) Finite/Cannon, (3) APUSH/Washington, (4) Senior English/Frederick
> 
> ECB - Extra Curricular Block  
> IS - Independent Study
> 
> * = Everyone is a junior but Mulligan and Angelica, who are seniors. Angelica studied abroad in London her junior year (and met her bf Church), that's why she's taking AP English (a junior class). Laf is a French Exchange Student, who has technically already finished secondary but is taking classes as a senior.
> 
> You get a dedication if you can tell me who Beatty, Cannon, Romanov (hint: a "Great" woman), and Auguste-Bourbon are meant to be. Hint: they were all alive during 1750-1790


	2. Second Period

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Franklin is the amalgamation of all my HS science teachers.

## iMessage: Go The Distance

_10:03_

**A.Ham:**  
herc u gotta lift the ban rn  
im telling you let me back in the chat  
im in bio with franklin and i swear he's high

_10:06_

**A.Ham:**  
hes nOT EVEN TEACHING BIOLOGY HERC  
HES EXPLAINING WHERE THE WORD FUCK CAME FROM 

_10:11_

**A.Ham:**  
hes standing on his desk telling his life story  
mulligan he was once stabbed in the leg  
by "a blind one-legged midget prostitute"

_10:13_

**A.Ham:**  
the pc term is little people, right?  
i might tell him that for next time

_10:20_

**A.Ham:**  
HE JUST CALLED OUT BURR  
"Your thesises read like a half-assed handjob: rough and inconsistent."  
IM DYING  
IVE DIED  
THESE ARE MY LAST WORDS HERC: TELL JOHN HIS DICK WAS THEBOMB.COM  
OH GOD I CANT BREATHE 

**Go The Distance:**  
alex im trying to sew, i'll add you back in a bit jfc

 **A.Ham:**  
HOW DOES HE STILL TEACH HERE I CANT FATHOM IT

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

## GC: Squaaaaad 

_Go The Distance added A.Ham to the chat._

**Dearest Angelica:**  
Bourbon's nose looks like a rotton squash  
a squishy squash

 **Go The Distance:**  
There, Ham, you're back. Go nuts.

 **A.Ham:**  
GUYS HEY WHATS UP FRANKLIN HAS BEEN HITTIN THE BLUNT  
ange, what even

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
you missed an enlightened nose convo but we'll come back to that

 **Baguette Fucker:**  
what else is new, alexandre

 **A.Ham:**  
HES BEEN DRAGGING BURR FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES  
SHORTENED CLASSES, PIZZA FOR LUNCH, AND BURR GETTING SHAT ON BY A TEACHER  
TODAY COULDNT GET ANY BETTER

 **My Laurens <3:**  
oh hey alex  
my dads out of town for the next week, got the house to myself

 **Wifey Eliza:**  
wtf did anyone else just hear alex scream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I haven't forgotten Peggy— she's in chapter four. :)


	3. Third Period

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For ducksndragons and MaiaEliana— doing the extra credit DOES have it's benefits.  
> A short chapter but the next will be longer!

## GC: Squaaaaad 

**A.Ham:**  
herc and eliza are colluding  
what are you up to  
stop

 **Go The Distance:**  
ham mind ya damn business

 **Wifey Eliza:**  
whats got your panties in a bunch, alexander?

 **A.Ham:**  
i wear girl's pants ONE TIME

 **Baguette Fucker:**  
i want those back stp  
DRYCLEANED

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
what the fuck did i miss last year

 **A.Ham:**  
i'll give them back when mullican and schuyler stop acting so sus

 **Go The Distance:**  
we're not being suspicious. youre just paranoid.  
and btw thats not johns leg, stop touching me.

 **My Laurens <3:**  
yeah that wasn't alex  
sorry!

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
sometimes I regret not taking APUSH with you all  
this is not one of those times

 **My Laurens <3:**  
hey guys take a shot every time gwash calls alex "son"

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
you'd all die from alcohol poisoning

 **A.Ham:**  
oh please dont start

 **Go The Distance:**  
hey son

 **Baguette Fucker:**  
how are you, son?

 **A.Ham:**  
i will murder you both  
revenge is my middle name

 **Wifey Eliza:**  
I thought you didn't have a middle name

 **A.Ham:**  
i will legally change my name to Alexander Revenge Hamilton and then i will murder the next person to call me son

 **My Laurens <3:**  
dont be like that son

 **A.Ham:**  
okay daddy

 **Go The Distance:**  
NO

 **Baguette Fucker:**  
NON MERCI

 **Wifey Eliza:**  
NO no noPE

 **My Laurens <3:**  
B-)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently preoccupied by Real World Issues, but I can promise "But We Refuse To Fall" will be updated by next week… if anyone just so happens to be reading that as well…  
> In other news, I'm looking for a coauthor/beta for a Lams PenPals!AU (hopefully longfic), as well as a beta for previous and upcoming fics. Inquiring minds can contact me at tennantive.fics@gmail.com


	4. Lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is a nosey shit, and Hercules has a secret plan.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

## iMessage: My Laurens<3

_12:29_

**A.Ham:**  
look at mulligan and schuyler

 **My Laurens <3:**  
alex why are you texting me im sitting right next to you

 **A.Ham:**  
looK AT THEM

 **My Laurens <3:**  
what why are you being so weird

 **A.Ham:**  
OH MY GOD JUST LOOK

 **My Laurens <3:**  
they’re sitting next to each other  
what’s the big deal

 **A.Ham:**  
they’re sitting awfully close…

 **My Laurens <3:**  
we’re sitting close too, whats your point?

 **A.Ham:**  
that IS my point

 **My Laurens <3:**  
huh?  
oh  
oH OH

 **A.Ham:**  
EXACTLY

 **My Laurens <3:**  
no way you dont rlly think that they’re together???

 **A.Ham:**  
Okay wait…

_12:48_

**My Laurens <3:**  
uhhhh… mulligan just took your lunch  
okay i’m assuming you’re okay with that  
i mean i love you, i’ll fight anyone for you  
just not mulligan  
i might die doing that

_12:53_

**A.Ham:**  
everything's fine  
I couldn't find anything out  
SO about your dad being out of town… ;)

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

## iMessage: Pegsters

_12:34_

**A.Ham:**  
hey hey strawberry margarita i have a question for you

 **Pegsters:**  
im trying to eat, hamilton

 **A.Ham:**  
is your sister secretly dating hercules mulligan?

 **Pegsters:**  
okay hold up here  
#1: which sister, bc im obvi not in a short supply of them  
#2: even if one of them WERE and i DID know, why should i tell you?

 **A.Ham:**  
eliza, duh  
i’m an interested party  
this is a BIG DEAL

 **Pegsters:**  
hamilton, i’m with my girlfriend, but that will not stop me from walking across the cafeteria to punch you

 **A.Ham:**  
come on, you used to tell me all sorts of things :(

 **Pegsters:**  
that was when you were dating eliza, before i was in high school  
AND before you left me out when you remade the groupchat

 **A.Ham:**  
you’re not in the groupchat?  
why didnt your sisters add you in?  
i’ll add you in right now

 **Pegsters:**  
thanks  
and i don’t know if eliza is seeing mulligan, but she has been out a lot the last few nights  
and i saw laf’s car pick her up on tuesday night

 **A.Ham:**  
the plot thickens…

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

## iMessage: Wifey Eliza

_12:31_

**Wifey Eliza:**  
alex, you’ve hardly touched your food  
get off your phone and eat!  
oh wait john’s on his phone too  
ew don’t sext at the lunch table

_12:38_

**A.Ham:**  
hey i dont tell you how you live YOUR life

 **Wifey Eliza:**  
uh, yeah you do. all the time.  
it’s really annoying, actually

_12:43_

**Wifey Eliza:**  
alex youre being very weird today

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

## iMessage: Baguette Fucker

_12:38_

**A.Ham:**  
why did you pick up eliza tuesday night?

 **Baguette Fucker:**  
I did no such thing

 **A.Ham:**  
peggy said she saw your car at their house and eliza got in  
J’ACCUSE!

 **Baguette Fucker:**  
non, ce n’est moi. mais… i may have lent it to someone while their car was at the garage

 **A.Ham:**  
mulligan?

 **Baguette Fucker:**  
je ne peux pas confirmer

 **A.Ham:**  
toi aussi, gilbert?

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

## iMessage: Go The Distance

_12:39_

**Go The Distance:**  
if youre not going to eat your lunch, can i?

_12:42_

**A.Ham:**  
go ahead

 **Go The Distance:**  
cool. everything okay?

_12:47_

**A.Ham:**  
yeah, i think so…  
actually, how are you? anything new going on?

 **Go The Distance:**  
uh nope not really  
same old same old  
you?

 **A.Ham:**  
is eliza your girlfriend?

 **Go The Distance:**  
no, eliza is not my girlfriend 

**A.Ham:**  
but peggy said she saw laf’s car pick her up on tuesday night  
and laf didnt confirm or deny that he lent his car to you

 **Go The Distance:**  
maybe I was helping eliza with her finite assignments, ever think of that?

 **A.Ham:**  
then why would laf be so secretive?

 **Go The Distance:**  
leave it, alexander

 **A.Ham:**  
okay, i will. but…  
if you were interested, you know i’d be okay with that, right?  
eliza and i are ancient history. i’ve got john now and… really i think you two would be a nice couple  
you are interested in her, aren’t you?

 **Go The Distance:**  
yeah. a lot, actually.

 **A.Ham:**  
I KNEW IT  
AWW OUR MULLIGAN HAS A SOFT SPOT  
SO SWEET

 **Go The Distance:**  
fuck off  
i have a plan  
just drop it

 **A.Ham:**  
okay i’ll drop it  
but only if you guys name your firstborn after my fish, phillip.

 **Go The Distance:**  
WHAT NO  
what kind of fish name is phillip?

 **A.Ham:**  
FUCK YOU PHILLIP IS A GREAT NAME FOR A FISH HERCULES MULLIGAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow even I didnt see this coming… any way there is a plan, we'll come back to it.


	5. Fourth Period

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy is back, Burr has a crush.

## iMessage: Two Faced Whore

 **Two Faced Whore:**  
Hamilton— What was the homework for tomorrow's Geography class?  
— A. Burr

 **A.Ham:**  
it was to stop being a pain in my ass

 **Two Faced Whore:**  
I really need to know, so I can get it done in time.  
— A. Burr  
Also, while we're talking, can you please change my name in your phone? I'm not a whore.  
— A. Burr.

 **A.Ham:**  
i'll change your name when you admit you voted against my fundraising idea in stu co last year

 **Two Faced Whore:**  
Why does it even matter? It was a year ago, and it got passed.  
— A. Burr

 **A.Ham:**  
it matters because fuck you thats why  
you knew it was a good plan  
the best plan

 **Two Faced Whore:**  
The funding stripped the athletic budget, I couldn't take sides like that.  
— A. Burr  
Look, I don't have time for this. Please just tell me what the homework was?  
— A. Burr

 **A.Ham:**  
why don't you know? ususally i'm the one texting you.  
why so distracted, burr? huh?

 **Two Faced Whore:**  
That's none of your business, Hamilton.  
— A. Burr

 **A.Ham:**  
oh my god just spill before i lose interest  
i'll sweeten the deal— i'll change your name in my phone

 **Two Faced Whore:**  
Fine…  
— A. Burr  
Theo got a haircut and I was admiring it when Dr. Magellan was explaining the homework.  
— A. Burr

 **A.Ham:**  
BURR FUCK THATS CUTE  
OH WHO KNEW YOU COULD BE CUTE  
BURR AND THEODOSIA SITTING IN A TREE

 **Two Faced Whore:**  
I really don't wish to discuss this with you, Alexander.  
— A. Burr

 **A.Ham:**  
isnt she dating that football player or smthn  
jack prevost i think????  
ha bet you regret not cutting the athletic funding now

 **Two Faced Whore:**  
What about our bargain, Hamilton?  
— A. Burr

 **A.Ham:**  
read pgs 30-32, all the odd questions  
and your name is changed yw

 **Theo's Stalker:**  
Something tells me it's somehow worse  
— A. Burr

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

## Group: Squaaaaad

 **Pegsters:**  
WOW WOW WOW

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
oh look, the bitch is back

 **Wifey Eliza:**  
queen bitch  
slaaaaay queen

 **Pegsters:**  
thnx hammy for resurrecting me

 **A.Ham:**  
np my child

 **Pegsters:**  
omg!!  
alex and john as my fathers pls adopt me

 **My Laurens <3:**  
YES OKAY

 **A.Ham:**  
okay so we're doing this  
what a happy day for our gay lil family :')

 **Baguette Fucker:**  
you have 17 years why are you her fathers

 **Pegsters:**  
THEY ARE MY FATHERS NOW SORRY  
ps johnny boy i heard your dad's out of town, whens the party?

 **My Laurens <3:**  
Uuuhhhhh here's the thing, Pegs…

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
here we go

 **Wifey Eliza:**  
this should be fun

 **My Laurens <3:**  
I'm not throwing a party this time? Not like a huge one, at least. ppl can still come over but it's gonna be a real chill thing

 **Pegsters:**  
???? haha okay i disown you as my father sorry

 **A.Ham:**  
what about me  
((come to johns and i'll sneak you a beer))

 **Pegsters:**  
aww what a sweet dad

 **Wifey Eliza:**  
Alex. Don't. Give. My. Baby. Sister. A. Beer.

 **Pegsters:**  
its cool i'll just pregame and show up drunk

 **My Laurens <3:**  
I have failed as a father

 **A.Ham:**  
its cool, you'll always be my daddy

 **Go The Distance:**  
I'M GONE FOR FIVE MINUTES AND WE'RE BACK HERE AGAIN

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
*boards a plane back to London bc I'm OVER YOU ALL*


	6. The Pep Rally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Hercules' plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it is I, the laziest motherfucker. This isn't much but between classes and this show I'm in, I'm sooooooo tired.

## Group: Squaaaaad

 **Dearest Angelica:**  
OH FUCK 

**Baguette Fucker:**  
MON DIEU 

**Pegsters:**  
SHE SAID YES  
IM DYING 

**A.Ham:**  
what the fuck is happening what 

**My Laurens <3:**  
equally lost 

**Pegsters:**  
NO ALEX JOHN WHERE WERE YOU  
YOU MISSED THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD 

**Dearest Angelica:**  
i'll be crying for the next ten years guys 

**A.Ham:**  
WHAT HAPPENED AT THE PEP RALLY PLEASE EXPLAIN 

**Pegsters:**  
oh my god it was so perfect  
herc just asked out liza in front of the whole school  
he got two wrestlers to dress in a horse costume  
and hE RODE IN ON THEM WHILE THE ROLLING STONES' WILD HORSES PLAYED 

**Dearest Angelica:**  
there was a sign  
"hay, i think you're cute. be my mane girl? please don't say neigh." 

**My Laurens <3:**  
wait the acoustic or the original recording 

**Dearest Angelica:**  
thats ur reaction 

**My Laurens <3:**  
IM TRYIN G TO PICTURE IT 

**Pegsters:**  
dont bc I GOT VIDEO  
attached: horse_fucker.mp4 

**A.Ham:**  
HORSEFUCKER 

**Pegsters:**  
herc is Horse Fucker Official™ 

**Go The Distance:**  
please make that my name in all your phones 

**A.Ham:**  
HERCULES MULLIGAN  
THE MAN WITH A PLAN 

**Go The Distance:**  
i told you i had one 

**Wifey Eliza:**  
I loved it! 

**My Laurens <3:**  
AW GUYS CONGRATS??? 

**Baguette Fucker:**  
all of us are just so blown away 

**Dearest Angelica:**  
okay now that the lovebirds are here  
pls explain the horse motif 

**Wifey Eliza:**  
sorry that's between us 

**Go The Distance:**  
for now  
bc god knows someone here's gonna find out and tell everyone 

**Wifey Eliza:**  
but why are we all ignoring he fact that lams was awol 

**My Laurens <3:**  
lams???? 

**Dearest Angelica:**  
1 we spend too much time typing out alex and john so yeah you're now lams  
1a petition for herc and eliza to be muller  
2 bc liza we all know they're off making out in the custodian's closet 

**A.Ham:**  
HEY RUDE 

**Baguette Fucker:**  
well aren't you 

**A.Ham:**  
we aren't NOT making out in a closet 

**Wifey Eliza:**  
you guys are a mess i love it 

**Dearest Angelica:**  
is anyone up for ice cream after this rally??? 

**Go The Distance:**  
i could go for a scoop 

**Wifey Eliza:**  
ditto 

**Pegsters:**  
AW YES CREAM ME UP SCOTTIE 

**Baguette Fucker:**  
oui but pegs ew???? 

**Pegsters:**  
yeah i regret that 

**Dearest Angelica:**  
what about lams?  
heelloooooo 

**Pegsters:**  
stop making out and make plans instead 

**Wifey Eliza:**  
GUYS OH MY GOD 

**Go The Distance:**  
petition to put them in the sin bin 

**Pegsters:**  
they'd probably just bone in the sin bin 

**Wifey Eliza:**  
double sin 

**Dearest Angelica:**  
Sin Squared 

**Pegsters:**  
CoSin 

**Baguette Fucker:**  
STOP GROSS MATH 

**Wifey Eliza:**  
K alex and john, when you're done sucking face the sin squad will be at coldstone until like 4:30 

**Pegsters:**  
SIN SQUAD, ACTIVATE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends this weird story… hey, this is the only story I've ever finished! Cool! 
> 
> Might consider continuing this 'verse, lemme know if you'd read more if it (I'm thinking prom season would be SO FUN WITH THESE KIDS)


End file.
